Our reaction to tonight’s Smash:
Without a doubt, my favourite Olsen twins straight to DVD movie was Billboard Dad. And I know it’s not a nostalgia thing, because I re-watched it recently on Netflix and that shit holds up. Let’s look at all the elements of what made this movie so perfectly Olsen.
The Parent Situation
The Olsen twins NEVER had both parents. They were always adopted, latchkey kids, kids of divorce or widowed. It was good because the twins are at their best when they’re unsupervised and having a missing parent meant there was always a ~love interest~ for the remaining one. In Billboard D, the twins’s parental unit is Academy Award-Nominated Actor, David Strathairn!!!! Ok fine, it’s not, but the casting people found a pretty good knock-off. He’s an artist, he’s tortured, but he’s also rich and they live in a house with a huge door. He says he’s not looking for love but the twins, in their infinite wisdom and jewel toned sunglasses, know he’s lying.
The Boy Interests
The Olsens were still at an age where a real romantic plotline would be kind of weird and gross, so they had to settle on having a crush on their swim coach, this guy:
That’ll do, pig.
Very important. The style of an Olsen DVD had to be on POINT or it would be forgotten in the sands of time, like their cameo in Little Rascals. I’m happy to report that the outfits in Billboard Dad were at maximum cuteness level. The Olsens were still young and obedient enough to wear matching shit, and were not yet so overcome with body issues that they couldn’t be seen in a modest one-piece. A few choice outfits:
This is the only aspect of the Olsen Manifesto that takes a hit in BD. Nigel, the business partner/fake Brit is pretty dastardly, but does any Olsen Enemy (TM) compare to Megan Fox in Holiday in the Sun? No. The answer is no. Also, way to make the only minority in the movie a bad guy, Mary-Kate! For shame.
Bonus points for:
- “Cool to the max!!”
- That sundae they order when Dad is trying to make the girls feel better lives in my dreams. It has SO MUCH whipped cream and the girls just PICK AT IT with their spoons!
- the woman who eventually gets Dad’s heart owns a glasses store and drives a VW Beetle. We love a good female entrepreneur!
Now That’s What I Call SRSLY: Volume 7.
LFO- “Girl on TV”
While high on codeines my mom and I watched The Client List (really sucked) and I was reminded of how cute the original J.Lo(ve Hewitt) is/was. She and her crimped hair and green dress star in this video from LFO, a group that should only be remembered when mocking their truly vapid, even for the 2000s, lyrics. I mean,
Shooby doo-wap & scooby snacks
Met a fly girl and I can’t relax
The only problem is she’s a movie star
Not exactly Chauncer, is it? I mean, this shit isn’t even Mandy Moore. BUT, the song itself is fun, and 2/3 of LFO really know how to give to the camera. You know which two I’m talking about. The other one and his George Clooney-circa-ER haircut can GTFO.
I have to admit, I’m in an extra sassy mood today because I’m recovering from wisdom teeth removal surgery (something everyone has gone through and been like “oh yeah, it’s no big deal, whatever” but because I’m a BIG BABY I’m still in pain and suffering and trying to get as much attention as I can), so I’m less forgiving on Smash’s sins. No more pre-amble, let’s get to it, strike a pose there’s nothing to it- Smash.
- I actually don’t mind “bad” television. I can watch hours of Real Housewives and be happy as a clam. I can, and HAVE watched Celebrity Apprentice from start to finish. But you know what’s worse than bad TV? Boring TV. If there’s nothing for me to even mock, why are you trying? This was definitely the dullest episode of Smash so far. Plot? Missing. Storylines? Tiring. Musical numbers(the show’s usual saving grace)? Dull. This was definitely a real low point. So overall, this episode was the worst.
- I like Uma Thurman and all, but… DO I? When you think about it, don’t you find that without her Miyagi of Quentin Tarantino she’s kind of … bland? Think about how much you like Uma, and then subtract all of her QT movies. Still a fan? Really? OKAY I am, but only barely because of The Truth About Cats and Dogs.
- Debra Messing’s son is failing calculus and AMERICAN HISTORY? Uhhhh I really didn’t need another reason to despise this kid.
- Why am I writing about the director’s pervy fever dream TWO WEEKS IN A ROW? It’s stale, Smash! The song sucked and it was boring! Karen has the sexual appeal of Bo Jangles.
- Okay, that moment when Dev is out at the bar with Reporter when Karen was looking for him had to be the least sexy, least dramatic, least exciting reveal to ever take place. Dev and Reporter are somehow two actors so void of chemistry or charisma or of ANYTHING INTERESTING that I genuinely felt my jaw tense when they had their philandering. Also of note: that scene took place in the same bar/resto wherein Carey Mulligan performer her little ditty in Shame. The contrast in quality between the two productions that have taken place there is embarrassing. That restaurant should now be burned to the ground.
- Casual Friday 2 looked like another FLOP for Uma
- I like when Ivy and Karen have friendship moments. It’s so much more interesting than them just hating each other or whispering bitchy putdowns about each other to their shared gaggle of chorus friends
- Anjelica Huston deserves happiness, so sure, her bartender boyfriend is okay.
I mean, I can’t even bring myself to talk about Christian Borle’s self-discovery or Karen’s marriage or Ellis’s anything. It was all so tedious. Amp up the bad, SMASH! Give me something to SING about!